This morning things are different, pensive, dreary, sluggish; less matters and yet more matters. I have few words, just tears and the more I search for words the more intensely the tears roll down...
My family has lost the " brick in the centre" to steel a quote from Stephanie Friesen. And while plans are already being made to hold us together, the days ahead without her are unimaginable, abstruse and foreign. Feelings of loss are not completely unfamiliar as we have all watched Colleen struggle in her battle with cancer these last 6 months, but the loss of all hope in the finality of death is still such a blow. One is never quite prepared for this.
The dreaded, but anticipated phone call came yesterday as the boys and I enjoyed the sun with friends...wonderful, supportive friends (thank you M, M and J). And while I shed a few tears upon receiving the news, it wasn't until I arrived where the family had gathered that I began to feel the gravity of what had materialized. As hugs and words of encouragement were exchanged and her room was cleaned out, the completion of her life weighed heavily upon us.
Heading to dad's for dinner, Reuben and I struggled with the impossible task of telling our four year old his Nana was gone. After sharing this emotional news, Ethan attempted to comfort me with a hug and what he thought would be reasuring words, "Don't worry mom, you don't need to be sad, we'll see Nana tomorrow." I guess a true understandng will only come in time as we continue to experience life together, but without his beloved Nana.
We asked Ethan what his favourite things to do with Nana were, as too soon they will be distant memories and difficult for him to retrieve. Together we began a list that we'll continue to add to as events, objects, pictures and words help remind us. For now he loved and remembers best:
- playing lego and cars at her house with the toys from the special cupboard in her kitchen
- going downstairs to play, but only with an adult
- reading the story about the man on the boat with the cats over and over
- visiting Peanut, shoveling her poop, riding in the wheelbarrow, looking for kittens in the barn, and riding Polly Pocket. Nana loved Peanut.
- meeting grandpa for sprinkle donuts
- going to preschool on Thursdays
- coming for breakfast and eating "smashed" or "dippy dippy" eggs made to order
- playing the hot and cold gamer for "prizes"
We will make a tenacious effort to see beyond our grief and celebrate her life, clinging to our memories as we are told she would want us to. Our first, a garden, planted, chosen and cared for with her in mind. We love you Colleen, our mother, Nana and friend. You are forever in our hearts.
